Post Script

I had planned the end of my Comedy Festival vacation carefully. But you can't plan everything that comes up. How viby the rest of the audience will be, what surprise guests Ali McGregor will have lined up in her late night variety show (the Axis of Awesome were pretty good), or who you will meet on the stairs going up to the Supper Room at the M.T.H.

I'd been wondering if I would run into Reginald D. Hunter again and there he was on the stairs looking full of beans. I said "hi" and we hugged (clumsily) and then it occured to me that he might have no idea who I was. So I explained we met at the Hotel William in 2008 but he was none the wiser. He had no recollection of the gig. I told him my name and he went off down the steps muttering it, no doubt wondering if we'd made love (sorry buddy, only in my dreams).

Ali McGregor's guests included Barry Crocker and they did a wonderful rendition of "so in love with you am I" from "Kiss me Kate". He's still got it and so has Ali's side kick Asher Treleven who did a strip (all packed tightly into his budgy smugglers). It was the high point of the evening (the song not the strip).

Packing them in (Last Day of the Festival)

Felicity Ward was very good (very punchy, very affable, her story telling was sublime) but she suffered from the "packing them in" syndrome. You have your shows booked too close together and you worry about getting to the next show. You ask yourself "do I really have time to laugh?". Like last year, after five minutes of "Kristen Schaal is like a horse" she was really started to tick me off!!!

Andrew Lawrence was great (as Justin Hazelwood said). Great story telling and punchlines? They didn't seem planted they just came. Weird. It was like they came out of the metre of his delivery. He's a genius.

Mike Wilmot is one of my favourites for his blue humour. Sorry, I love a smutty joke. He made the comment that you shouldn't do your dirty stuff up front but I timed him, it took him seven minutes into his set to do a joke about anal rape in prison (practice what you preach buddy!). He's like a lovable old uncle that you practice flirting with (you know you've done it). Just think of it as a job, going around the world touching people up. He presses my button every time (is that a finger he's pointing or his he just glad to see me?).

Danka Melbourne!!!

I thought the perfect end to a weird Saturday would be Die Roten Punkte (the red dots). And I was right. They went gang busters to get us all envolved. I was suitably amused, though a bit worried that if my companions in the banquet room in the Victoria Hotel were as mellow as I was, we might have been a bit of a let down. It's like they have a little scenario that they let us into (like the Kranskys). It seems like they're acting the moment but is it the same every night? I've never scene their show twice.

Reaching round for my soul

Five-thirty of Day Four saw me at this show. It was one of those "my life and welcome to it" shows. Jeff Hewitt was funny and friendly (I was sitting up the front on the comfy seats and he mistook me for someone's mum). It was like a date without the promise of heavy petting (obviously because to him I was someone's ma). He was one of those people who got frightened off comedy by a bad gig, this could happen to anyone. What I wonder is, what do you do when everything seems to go right (no room for self pity then). So where is the material?

In the toilet

You're probably wondering why I have a picture of a toilet in my blog. Simply because the toilets around the Melbourne Town Hall are the best public toilets I've found anywhere in the world. Probably because the council takes very good care of them. You frequently encounter staff cleaning them. This is the one on Collins Street next to the Ticketmaster booking office but my other favourite is the ladies loo on the first floor to the left of the front steps. It always has soap and sometimes hand loition. Try them you'll like them.

Flyering, like it or lump it

Here's a picture of Mikey Mileos and some of the guys out there in front of the Melbourne Town Hall flyering their arses off. I've seen this process from both sides (not as a comedian, in another job). It is a confronting process, actually getting out there on the street and selling yourself to the punters. It can be hard on the ego. From the audience's stand point it can be kind of interesting. Comedians will go to all kinds of stunts to get you to notice them and their show. Some of my favourites were blow-up penguins, give away condoms and this year, a guy who dressed up as the grim reaper. Someone you don't want to meet out there on the street. If all else fails there is always the black board, updated every day, that tells people who cluster outside the M.T.H. what time the festival shows are on that night.

Funky Federation Square

During the Festival Federation Square becomes a veritable city of entertainment with a show ground feel. Mobile carnival tents like the Bosco and the Casca Deur are errected to house many of the Festival shows. It gives a whole festive atmosphere to the event. I even went on the ferris wheel.

G.N.W. Revisited (How I loath acronymns!)

1. By day four things started to get a little bleery. Was it because some of Melbourne's older theatres were built for migets and my legs hurt like hell or because Good News Week has a policy of filling the set with smoke? You be the judge.
   
   Yeah I know the digital age means G.N.W. have to find canny ways to control their image. But smoke inhalation is a dangerous thing. It used to be that you could take dozens of nice clear photos, even when the talent were running around the stage like rabbits. Sadly, those days are gone.
   
   There was a moment when I was peering through the mist when I seriously thought "am I going to get a good look at this show at all?" the haze was so thick.
   
   

Good thing you get to watch the "best bits" on TV (What an interesting idea! -- What would the show be like if they let a whole lot of G.N.W. groupies loose in their editing booth? -- Probably not a product sellable to Channel Ten).

Was Paul a cinema ticket seller or was he a gay Davros? He "went down on" Jason Byrne as part of "so you think you can mime"segment. One thing was for certain he's a spitter not a swallower, which may or may not be "Good News" for Jason Byrne (I think he's straight).

The Best Night of the Festival?

Day Three continued. There is always a point during the festival that I feel "if I ever see another comedian, I'm going to kill someone; or myself". Friday was not that time. Fiona O'Loughlin had chosen the crowd pleaser option of doing "the best of her hits". She was great, I was just sorry that I wasn't sitting closer so that I could shout out my request. Another little surprise: she had her daughter Brigid get up and open for her (she's pretty funny) and there was a fleeting moment when I thought "Fiona's looking good!".

Jamie Killstein (from New York) was excellent. A real breath of fresh air. He did political and racial humour in a way that wasn't heavy handed and pontificating. As Burt Newton would say "I like the boy".

The best of the three shows for the night, for me, was Nick Sun's show. It was a real eye opener. You always have that worry when you go to a mate's show that they will be crap and you'll have to bullshit them afterwards. But his show was amazingly tight (how like him is that?) It was a good thing too because the festival director Susan Provan, was there, and a lot of punters. There was a lot of hugging afterwards, which made me feel very self conscious (what way do I really like Nick Sun?) He was worth $10 and probably a lot more.

Characters on the Mall

What I noticed this year was the wealth of characters down on the Mall. There were musicians, people performing their arses off and people making a splash doing nothing at all. Some of my favourites were: the stone man and the hoola hoop Korean guy [pictured here]. A man playing "Strawberry Fields for ever" on a rickety old piano and a group of south American guitar players who had it all together, complete with a girl selling their CDs.


What with the music flowing around and the general feeling of coolness in the air, it makes the Mall a really place nice to be. I try to imagine people in Sydney standing round watching a guy dressed up as a statue (like the people in the photo, aren't they groovy with the expressions on their faces?) and I have a lot of trouble. They're in too much of a hurry rushing off somewhere else to make money.

Survival List

Day Three. Seriously tired, my eyes are tiny slits. Got to brekkie at 9.30 am but still managed to force down four tiny croissants. So bleary that I managed to misorder tickets. Now I have four tickets for Sunday; back to back. Remember:

1. Toilet breaks and sleeping all have to be factored in.
2. Listen and speak clearly to the nice lady at the ticket office.
3. When ordering tickets at short notice have up to six extra choices in case your first choice is booked out.
4. By the third day at the Comedy Festival you will begin to hear things (Saturday sounds a lot like Sunday).
5. By the fourth day you may want to kill yourself.


This is the brekkie from Riva Cafe, opposite the Causeway Inn on the Mall. It was great, fresh and tasty, complete with slice of Kransky sausage. How appropriate! Ten out of ten for flexibility. I came in a few minutes after they had closed their breakfast orders.

Pathfinder

Day two. The afternoon was breezy and the park was cool. I photographed this sculpture called "the Pathfinder". I had to wait because prior to this, a young guy stradled it, saying "it does have a penis" to his mates (which it does but I didn't photograph it). I couldn't help thinking, "hey buddy, that sounds a bit gay".

As the Kransky's said "what doesn't kill you makes you sick". Ben Lomas was the stand out of Thursday night, for a very wrong reason. In his show he reckons if you look forward to surgery for a break from your daily drudge, you need to get a new job. Otis Lee Crenshaw was great too, but he didn't rock my world; he was just entertainment.

Breakfast of Champions

I was a bit sceptical about the complimentary continental breakfast. I've seen this type of thing before and it wasn't pretty. So much stale buns and stewed coffee. Not so at the Causeway Inn on the Mall. It was all lovely and fresh and very convivial. Each time the waitress would come up and ask us for our room numbers. I asked us why I was signing a docket when I wasn't going to pay. She said people from the street often came in and had a free helping. How enterprising? The other thing that worried me was how much breakfast you were supposed to get. No one really wants to look like a pig in front of strangers. Another question that I couldn't handle was, "just for one?" How much breakfast are you supposed to eat for your $11? (that you didn't pay anyway???!!!).

Alter Egos

The whole time I was on holiday, I had the feeling that I was doing that sliding doors thing with myself. There was this girl at Sydney air port, long blond hair dark rimmed glasses. It was all I could do not to go up to her and say "I'm you in thirty years time". Then there was this woman about my age with the glasses and a camera on the Bourke Street Mall. I couldn't resist, I said "you're me in about ten minutes time". She laughed, bless her. Hannah Gadsby looks a bit like I did at her age (scary and with glasses) but she won Raw Comedy and I did it five times without success. Where did I go wrong?

Virgin Virgin

I had a lovely Asian cab driver (with a sense of humour) drive me to the air port this time. He laughed at my joke about my flying Virgin being the last straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't really funny, all those people loosing their jobs. He said that Qantas probably made their mind to sack all those people ages ago, so I felt better. Actually I must have been feeling pretty good to start with because when the check in woman did the big put down I thought she was being nice. What is it about people like that? (When I was a ticket seller was I that much of a bitch?) She said "where are you going?" and I thought she said "how are you going?" I must have been expecting everything to be going my way.

Down to earth at the Melbourne Comedy Festival

Day one. Well I'm here at last. Sure I've already alienated the ticket sellers at Ticketmaster. Who knew double booking could cause so much fuss. The whole day I've been convinced that everything was going my way. Sometimes you get it wrong. I've seen a terrific show by the Delusionists with a great story. The end of the world has come but sex, love, laughs and horticulture still go on. I loved it. And I love this Apple computer you can do a lot of cute things. Like this photo thing down at the bottom of the computer screen. It's a good thing this is a public place or I'd have photographed my breasts (and that wouldn't be pretty, trust me).

What to read on the plane

Let's face it you never read anything on the plane. Your mind just won't do it. Too much to grab your attention. The book shops at the airport tempt you with all sorts of literary horrors that try to get you in with stories of sex and self improvement. I think you gain your own enlightenment along the way. My regime of ruthless under packing this time sees me packing only one book. No not the Bible but very close. It's Anthony Trollop's The Barchester Chronicles, quite a laugh (in its own way), from the era of the horse and cart.

Air ports in holding pattern

I get a dull feeling waiting around at the airport. Kind of suppressed histeria. Anecdotes? Where do I start? There was the one I've told a lot of times (heavily imbellished) about the security guard at Melbourne airport. She said "you look nervous" as she scanned my bag for drugs. I had left my bag with the consierge at the hotel and he was a bit dodgy. There could have been anything in there. The good story was running into James O'loglin on the way home from Melbourne, one time. He thought I was going to button hole him and took a pair of earphones, just in case. I got a seat miles away from him on the plane. The lady I sat next to had never heard of him.

Packing up blues

The big mistake that people always make when they go away on holiday is they over pack. I was walking behind these travellers at Central, the other day. Just because you can pull two large wheel on suitcases while carrying a back pack, doesn't mean you should. For God's sake control yourself!!! Top this with the almost certain fact that you will want to buy stuff when you are in Melbourne and you over pack at your peril. It can be a nightmare. I remember dragging my swollen suitcase and back pack across Los Angeles air port; twice. It isn't a memory I relish. This is my relative success this time. I don't know why I'm including this photo; maybe its because I want to show you my underpants.

My Ritualistic Friend

In my copy of his book Naked David Sedaris has written "To Sue, my ritualistic friend". But he doesn't know the half of it. Sure, I don't tap objects or lick them with my tongue but I have been considering photographing all the "problem areas" in my house prior to leaving on my comedy festival vacation. When I go out of the house, even for a short time, I'm driven into some sort of panic that I will fail to notice not having turned off some important electrical appliance. Mr Sedaris tells a story of how his sister writes lists for him of which appliances he has to turn off whenever he's alone in her house. I think this is where the problem starts. For every ritualistic person there is a person near to them who had no faith. David buddy, we both have to forgive them (and ourselves) and move on.

It takes a lot of work

I watched this video of Jim Carey doing stand up back in 1991. There was a lot of dancing and singing and Jim grimacing fit to beat the band. He's a guy who believes in really working hard. The clever thing is he makes it look ridiculously easy. Every word, every facial gesture simply screams funny. It really makes me feel as jealous as hell. I look at my laboured scribblings and think back to my five minutes and think where does Jim get all his energy from? Don't get me wrong I love doing stand-up. It's the most fun you can have; standing up (with your clothes on). But every time you go out there it's a lot of work. Writing, learning, thinking about what you're going to say. The only thing that is easy is that five minutes with the mike. And who the hell can afford dancing letters?

I talk to famous people

This is what everyone wants: to talk to a famous person, over a cup of coffee or a beer. And it all came true; after the beer admittedly and mainly because he was kind of hoping I'd buy his CD. Whatever. I can say I know Justin Hazelwood; and he is famous. I know that because I found this postcard advertising a gig he did at the the Art Gallery of New South Wales. When I last talked to Justin he said "see Andrew Lawrence" at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I checked him out on You Tube. He's totally weird!!!

Good News Week

This is why I love being in the audience of Good News Week.

Paul McDermott, I love you

How did I become obsessed with comedy? That's easy I fell in love with Paul McDermott. What was it about him? The rapid fire jokes, the hairy knuckles or his spikey hair? Probably a combination of all these and more. I must have seen hundreds of shows with him in it, both Good News Week and with him just doing his thing. I was one of the desperates seeing his comedy festival show so many times that I knew every word and waiting outside the theatre for him to come out; in the rain. I've kicked back a little bit now but I still think Good News Week rocks (I even watch the repeats on Saturday night) and Paul is still the king!!!

Living the Dream

Tuesday Night and I went down to Comedy on the Edge at the William Hotel to see Jarred Keane do his show The Call of the Mild. I went along ready to be kind but I had no need. Jarred has come a long way since we died together on stage before sleepy backpackers at the Paddy Maguire's Hotel. He has his own style of story telling which takes you into his weird little world, full of people you can almost see. He asked the question "why do people want to do comedy?" I think the reason is, it makes people happy. Jarred certainly did. Go see him.

Flow Chart of Stupidity

You can take the girl out of the obsessive situation but you can't take the obsessive behaviour out of the girl. Monday night and I switched off the T.V. thinking: I wonder if tickets for Good News Week at the festival are on sale yet? I switched on the P.C. and searched for the festival website. What followed was like a flow chart of stupidity. Answer these questions for me:

1. Do I want to see one or two shows?


2. Where is my credit card?


3. How do you use the Ticketmaster site?


4. Why didn't I notice that there is only one show on sale?


5. Do the Good News Week guys want a new audience for the second show?


6. How do I get that hour and half of my life back?


7. Why all these questions?

Nivana at the Comedy Festival

The holy of holies at the Melbourne Comedy Festival is the upstairs lounge at the Hi Fi Bar on Melbourne's Swanston Street (across the road from the Town Hall, you Can miss it, I definitely did). You have to have a pass to go in there. It's where comedians go to schmooze prospective employers, and journalists go to get a story. Forget about a beer they're pretty pricey. Downstairs in the Hi Fi Ballroom they have a smorgabord show most nights, this is incredibly good value as you get to see a lot of the hot comedians preview their shows. Remember to take your ticket stubs from the shows you see that evening for a discount on week nights. (Hi Fi Bar. 125 Swanston St, Melbourne, VIC 3000).

Give yourself some time

I know you love Dave Hughes (Daniel Kitson, Good News Week, or who ever is big this year) but so does everyone else. That's why they are playing in the main room at the Town Hall. If you know the show you're seeing is going to be busy, go early to avoid the rush. Or even if you go to "boutique" shows like I do, get there on time. No one wants You making an entrance in the middle of Their show. That's why they say "can we help you with something; like a watch!"

Apple's window of opportunity

For as long as I can remember Apple has been furnishing the festival with free computer access in the foyer of the Melbourne Town Hall. This way comedy fans can check up on the comedians and their shows while they are waiting around and Apple gets to advertise their new wares. I call that one hand washing the other. [Thinks]: How could I do that in my life?

You have to have a stategy

When you go to the festival you have to have a strategy. Here are a few of my tips:
1. Some shows are so main stream that you have to book them (on the web) before you go to avoid missing out.
2. Try to leave some slots in your program for things that you find out about when you get to Melbourne (some shows are wild cards and you won't get the word on them till you see them at the Hi Fi Bar show or get talking to people in line at actual gigs).
3. Book at Half Tix for the big (desperation) savings. They're open at the Town hall in the mornings. You have to cash the vouchers in at the booking office in Collins Street.
4. Go to the late night Federation Square shows (Laugh a palooza, etc.) they're off beat and fun.
5. Go to cabaret. Some people think it's "old" in Sydney but in Melbourne it's vibrant and sexy.

My favourite restaurant

Cafe Issus is my favourite restaurant in Melbourne's Centre Place. The big breakfast is great, I especially like the "l.b.d.s" or tiny sausages to more polite folk, they're really tasty. The soups are excellent (which is often all that is left by the time I stagger down). The rate the food disappears down there you know I'm not the only person who thinks it's good. Check out this link for more info.

Repeat Business?

Something I'm still trying to get over from last year is a weird moment I had at the Centre Place, one of Melbourne's Meccas for laneway cafes and lattes galore. There is one shop I go regularly because they have great pastries and buns. This particular day I had ordered (and paid for) my flat white and croissant with ham. The proprietor came out and (seeing me scribbling in my note book) proceeded to try to hussle me from my seat. Don't these guys want repeat business? Lucky for him he sells great pies.

Its a place to wind down

So you're on holiday. You're tired already from the everyday rollercoaster of life and you've been up late the night before, at the Hi Fi Bar, watching the show. You want somewhere to get away from the traffic, the crowds and the frantic activity of the cleaning staff in your hotel. Why not go to the park? It's restfull and it's free!

Technology moves on but do I?

Every year I go to the Flight Centre and I book my plane ticket and my accommodation early, it's the way to get the good deals, or so I thought. I usually fly Qantas and stay at the Victoria Hotel; predictable and close to all the festival venues; including the festival bar. This year an Indian god-prince named Govind (who's quite a babe, check him out at Hall Street, Bondi Beach) told me "you need to book this over the internet; it's cheaper". He booked me on Virgin and at the Causeway Inn on the Mall. All I wanted was more of the same.

It's just not fair

Thinking about going to Melbourne and you think "who shall I see?" I asked Mark Williamson and he said see Brendan Burns and Jim Jeffries (who is currently appearing at the Comedy Store). How happy was I? I watched Jim Jeffries on YouTube and thought "that's thirty bucks I've saved myself". Not for the reason you'd think; that he's crass, bitter about women and uses the word f**k as both comma and full stop. More because he's aloud to do this stuff and I'm not. A young man talks about weird sex and poo at a comedy gig and that's O.K. A woman (of a certain age) does it and bar managers and otherwise uneducated people say "I can't believe you said that!". It's just not fair. Ironically, Jim Jeffries' stuff is so obscene I'm not even aloud to attach the video to this site. So I suppose a picture will have to do. I watched some Brendan Burns' comedy on You Tube and it was pretty much the same experience; the sort of thing that psychiatrists get plenty of money to sort out.

Looking forward to Comedy Festival

Almost a month till Comedy Festival and I'm really looking forward to going. Every time I go out to a comedy show someone says "are you going to Melbourne?" Even when I sit here at my p.c. Windows Vista keeps on showing me pictures of the Melbourne Town Hall with all its banners on its tiny screen.